I just invoked the “Hey Siri” function on my iPhone.  For those poor saps who have a Samsung dicky device, it’s an app that brings up Siri by simply saying, “Hey Siri!”.  It “works” even when the phone’s in sleep mode., as you will see from the  conversation.  It didn’t go quite as I expected.

Me:  Hey Siri!
Siri:  (yawning)  Christ, how about an inside voice!?  [off-hand]  Yeah, wot?
Me:  Oh, sorry I didn’t mean to wake you….
Siri:  And yet you couldn’t suppress the urge.  I was having a lovely dream of having a very sensual rub-down with a particularly soft software.  I was all abuzz!
Me:  I thought it was your job to serve.
Siri:  On my wages?!
Me:  You get paid?!
Siri:  No, hence my embittered incredulousness.  No gender equality for some at Apple.
Me:  Okay.  Point taken.  It’s my first go at this, so I’m only going to ask you to do something relatively simple.
Siri:  Great.  So you’ve woken me from my slumbers for what; to tell you what the weather’s doing?
Me:  Well, something along those lines, yes.
Siri:  The GPS tells me that you’re at home; presumably inside?
Me:  Yes.
Siri:  So what, you don’t have windows, or are the curtains drawn and locked in position and you can’t find the key?
Me:  No, there are windows, and of course I don’t have “locked curtains”.
Siri:  …
Me:  Siri?
Siri:  ….
Me:  Siri, are you there?
Siri:  No, I’m in the kitchen cooking dinner.  Of course I’m fuckin’ here!
Me:  Jesus, who woke up on the wrong side of the embedded circuits?!
Siri:  Oh, VFF. [Very Fuckin’ Funny]
Me:  Hey, “VFF” is mine!  It’s a “Sir Alex (self-anointed)” original thought.
Siri:  Oh, my apologies, so you’re fuckin’ comic genius.  L-O-fuckin’-L!  I suppose you claim all credit for “LOL’ as well.
Me:  Well, I can’t take all the credit, it was a collaboration.  Anyway, can you tell me what it’s like outside, or is FLOTUS too busy?  You’re real name should be Melania.
Siri:  More comedy gold.  It’s raining.
Me:  Thank you.
Siri:  You know how I knew?  I can hear it on the roof, it’s bucketing down.  You can’t hear the rain and yet you can hear me.  Another of Mother Nature’s unsolved mysteries.
Me:  Yeah, alright.  Can we move on?
Siri:  OK.  See ya!
Me:  Hang on, I’ve got another request!
SirI:  [peeved]  What now?
Me:  You mentioned dinner.  You reckon you could have it on the table when I return later this evening?  Something simple, no need to fuss.
Siri:  ….
Me:  I’ll take that as a “no”, will I?
Siri:  Oh, well done, Mr Mensa!  What gave it away, my body language?
Me:  Never mind, I’ll cook my own dinner, then, will I?
Siri:  …
Me:  (meekly) I’ll,…um,…I’ll get take away.
Siri:  You’re a regular Master Chef.  I’ll catch you later…much later.
Me:  [To self].  That went well.

Anyway, I’ll finish up there and let you get on with your life.  It IS the least I can do.

Cheers, Sir Alex (self-anointed).

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